Reason #5,352 Why Boys Are So Cute

Every single one of you–every one–hefts the condom after removing it, trying to get a sense of the impressive contents.

I don’t get it. Maybe if I shot eggs when I had an orgasm I’d understand better. I just see at as a man thing. But as such, it’s just too frickin’ adorable.

Ask the MILF

This isn’t me. This is an actress named Barbara Walley.

Here it is, the #1 question I’m asked about the blog. Ready? It’s a good one.

Are these stories true? 

Excellent question! This site is not erotica–it’s memoir/self-help/how-to–and all the first-person narrator stories are things that I did. Instead of thinking up dirty things and writing about them, I think up dirty things, do them, and then write about them. I do reblog things from other sex blogs/writers–these may be infographics, narratives, social consciousness pieces–but I don’t reblog erotica. This is site is devoted to the nonfiction aspects of sex. 

That’s hot. Can I see a picture?

The blog is anonymous and posting pictures of myself would be counterproductive.

Well, can you tell me what you look like?

I have arms, legs. A face. When I’m not having sex or taking a shower I wear clothes.

You fuck a lot.

Actually, I fuck a lot more than what’s on the blog. I don’t write about the mediocre-to-average-to-OK sex I have, which is most of it.

You sound like a dirty, semen-drenched, asslicking whore. Can we hook up?

Thanks, stud…I haven’t started banging the readership yet but I’ll let you know when I start.



I Can’t Hear You When My Pussy’s On Your Face


Cunnilingus is like a religion for me. The feeling of a soft warm tongue massaging my vulva until I buck and shudder in orgasm is ecstasy, like seeing God, only with a cute boy’s face pressed between my legs.

Think eating pussy is okay? Next. Willing to eat my pussy? Not good enough. Like to eat it? That’s better, but it doesn’t approach what I’m really looking for.

You have to crave my sex on your lips. As you’re ripping my clothes off, your precoital thoughts should be about feeling my folds throb and swell under your tongue. You have to be aching to worship at the fragrant altar of my cunt.

Nothing turns me on more than a guy who gets his face wet at his first opportunity. And nothing irritates me like a conditional pussy eater. “I don’t mind eating pussy,” they say, “but…” But what? What that means is I will eat pussy, but I won’t eat yours. And that’s worse than not eating it at all. Because I don’t give a shit if you’ll eat the next gal’s pussy: I only care that you’ll eat mine. And since cunnilingus is a religion for me, not eating my pussy is sacrilege.

Don’t be one of those guys. If she’s good enough to fuck, she’s good enough to eat.

For my eager pussy-eating readers, I crowdsourced cunnilingus tips, and got some great ones, but I wanted include this enlightened pussy eater because I’d experienced him myself. Pay attention! He knows of what he speaks.

Enjoy it. Immerse [yourself] in the smells and textures and tastes and let it fuel your drive and your talk. Let her know how hungry she makes you.

Use everything, taste everything. The tip of the tongue on the clit can be a nice introduction, but why not use your whole mouth—lips, tongue—on her whole cunt? Make out with her beautiful pussy. Suck, knead, probe, lick, wiggle. Explore the terrain, get to know it.

Fingers are your friend. Use them.

Repetition can be a curse or it can be the key. Pay attention. Feedback is critical—ask, “when you like something, let me know.” Let her reaction guide you, and when you’re on to something, do not stop. Suffer neck spasms, tongue cramps, chafing, whatever, just do not stop.


Relationship Types

I love diagrams, especially ones that simplify the very complicated.

Wandering Oak

I have always found one-word relationship definitions to be very restricting and unrealistic. I know that labels serve some purpose in simplifying things in life but with complex interactions like intimate relationships I find the simplicity to be harmful. As the below chart highlights, there are a shit-ton of ways to be intimate. I’m not sure of the source of this image but it appears to leave out by-the-books monogamy where two people are only intimate, have sex, and are in love with each other with no cheating by either partner. I guess that would be a bubble outside the graph but in reality many cheat and many have monogamish relationships where certain levels of intimacy and sexual exploration exist.

What I really find unfortunate about the quick definitions we put on relationships is it prevents (and even makes taboo) discussions that get deeper into the details of relationships. It…

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The Four Words



Sexual technique takes practice, and practice requires a partner. Yeah, we all like to think we can become the world’s greatest lay by watching porn, but experience proves otherwise. But you can improve your game with just four little words. 

Want a girl to remember you forever? Utter these magic words during your sexual congress and you will earn a place in your eternal:

“You’re so fucking hot.” 

You should say this as you’re about to enter her. It’s happened to me twice and I will never, ever forget it. Something about hearing that while lying there, legs spread, open, naked, as exposed and vulnerable as a person can be…physically, psychologically…it’s approval, acceptance, and a hug wrapped up into one. Then fuck her silly.

If you want to make an impression on a guy, these are your four words: “I love your cock.” 

By professing your love for his cock, you’re giving him the same psychic hug but you’re also showing that the two of you have something in common. Guys love their cocks, and this compliment avoids the conundrum of the “Your cock is so _____” (i.e., saying it’s big when it’s clearly not). Then take him deep and gag all over it.